Wednesday, February 28, 2007


I never thought I'd blog about this, but wow am I depressed.

I can't believe my back is wrecked AGAIN. Just....can' The only good thing about that is that it increases my writing time because I can't DO anything.

I shouldn't be depressed about my writing. Edits for Asphodel--although frighteningly comprehensive--are going well and The Stone Table is getting rave reviews but still...I don't feel like I'm producing anything worthwhile. I want to get back to working on NEW stuff.

Despite all my blatherings about how discipline can overcome the power of the Muse, I have to admit that the Muse is kicking me around the head and affecting my discipline. My story idea file is getting bigger and bigger while my pile of rewrites and edits grows twice as quickly.


I don't even want to get into what I'm going through with the family. Let's just say that I'm having to teenager proof my home. Although I would love to have a *perfect* world existing in my family circle, unfortunately I have to deal with the real one.

Yes, she's still alive. For now. *snort!*

Oh well. Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and do something productive. I can't believe February is over already. Man that sucks.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

A Red Letter Day

What an eventful week!

First I hurt my back again. Went to the doctor yesterday and discovered that the fall has herniated two more discs. TWO???? Are you kidding me?????

All I can say is ouch.

Second, this morning I got a headsup from a friend of mine that something "good" was happening at Love Romances E Cafe. Heading over there to check it out....okay, to be nosy....I discovered that I had been nominated for several of their "Best Of" awards for 2006! Oh

So, I was nominated for Best Paranormal book of 2006 with Goddess' Revenge and Best New Author of 2006. WOW! The GR cover was nominated for best art as well. Talk about stoked. I nearly peed myself.

So I pick up my laptop to start the celebratory shameless plugs for votes and all of a sudden, the power cord slaps against my knee. Confused, I stared at the exposed wires for a full two minutes before I realized what had happened. One glance at the guilty looking dog who sat staring at my stupidly and I knew what had happened.

The little son of a bitch had chewed through my power cord.

You'd be surprised how quickly a woman with two herniated discs can move when it comes to dog beating. Unfortunately, I was still not fast enough to catch the little bugger. At the moment, I'm baiting a trap with Alpo. When he springs it, it's leash on the collar and off to the pound.

Man, I hate dogs.

Then, I had a hell of a time getting the family computer to work. Some time ago, we installed passwords on it as parental controls. Unfortunately, I forgot what they were. After a phone call to the hubby, the line from "Jay and Silent Bob strike back" returned to my Alzheimer's ridden brain, and I was able to connect to the internet.

Only to discover that my edits for Asphodel are in.

Good thing I don't have a lot going on. Now I have LOTS of time to lay around and rewrite the stupid story. Woohoo!

But, at least I can call myself an award-winning author now! It's really a pity that I have to slap on my back brace and head off to work tonight. Otherwise, we might have gotten to see how my new prescriptions interact with Rolling Rock.

*sigh* It's going to be a long week. It'll be longer for the dog, though; trust me.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Back in the saddle again!

Well, well, well. Isn't it interesting how life goes full circle?

You guessed it. I messed up my back again. #%(*#&%)(# freaking (#*R&(* gosharn stinking ice! I am currently completely immobilized. Great fun. This has increased my irritability factor by heaps and bounds.

It has also given me more time to play.

I made a new, shorter promo for Asphodel. Unfortunately, it's too big to post here. :( YOu can see it here.

I'll probably end up using this one more. No music and a continuous loop. It's kind of an ad nauseum sort of way.

And I finished my website. And I updated and basically redid my Myspace. Then I went to delete our old myspace writing group THe Coven and The Toys and lo and behold! We have 17 new members.

Oops. Probably should have checked that at some point in the last year. Oh well.

Oh, and I reached a resolution today. I'm tired of keeping the peace. It goes against the grain and my personality. From now on, I'm going to say exactly what I think -- period.

*now we all get to watch as my friend base is substantially lessened....*

Ah, yes....sometimes life is funny that way.

Friday, February 16, 2007

The First Asphodel Promo

Right click for the pull down menu to start after it's finished loading.

Making Flash movies has never been this easy!

Sometimes people make me want to spew

Okay, to start off with everyone knows I am NOT a dog person. I don't like things that make loud noises, drool on my furniture, and require me to exercise frequently.

That being said....

Last night I was working at the bar. A bar regular from up the street walks in with a dog. Not just any dog. This dog appears to be a pit bull/dalmatian mix (what idiot allowed THAT to happen?) and a puppy on top of that--maybe a couple of months old. Apparently, the puppy was running up and down the street in the MIDDLE of the street for an hour.

As best we can figure, someone dropped the puppy off at the Fairgrounds across the street. He obviously is NOT an outdoor dog. He's solid white and extremely clean, and completely clueless as to the fear factor assigned to things like cars and trucks. So my friend brings him to the bar in the hopes that he can find the owner. He can't take the dog in himself and it's below zero outside.

Yep, you guessed it. I called home and had them come get the puppy. I figured that we could keep him long enough to run "Found" ads and put up posters. I completely neglected to remember what a puppy does on his first night in a new place.

It barks. It yips. It howls. It chases my cats. It drinks from the toilet. It neglects the puppy chow we got for him and eats the cat food. It goes outside and howls, then comes in and takes a dump on my carpet. It thinks that my new couch is an appropriate dog bed. It yells at cars incessantly out the front window. In short, my entire household has been disrupted in the course of less than 12 hours.

Allow me to reiterate: I am not a dog person.


It's not the dog's fault. It hasn't been trained. It's obviously one of those sad, pitiful stories where someone got that 'adorable little puppy' and then couldn't handle it as the puppy began to grow. I figure the puppy is about two months old. Judging from the size of his paws I'll be able to saddle him and ride him to the store by May.

So once again, my sympathy for the plight of a forlorn animal has completely screwed up my world. It makes me want to find the idiot who did this and kick him/her in the nose. More than once. Even if I liked dogs, I have neither the time nor the energy to take care of a puppy and train it correctly. I'm hoping that when he calms down, I'll be able to stand it. At the moment, the outlook is bleak.

Yes, I know. I could take the dog to the Humane Society. I could have left it outside to get hit by a car or freeze to death. I could have looked at my friend and said, "So? It's not my problem."

But then I would be just like the moron who did this to the puppy in the first place. And that, my friends, is unacceptable.

So, I'll take care of the silly thing until I find its owner or find it a home. And the whole time, I'll be praying that my daughter doesn't get attached to it. I'll also be planning my speech if I DO find the owner. And that will not be pleasant for them.


*Sigh.* I hope I can get the smell of dog out of my couch.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Please. Someone Shoot Me.


Dadburn, stinking, unreliable %(#*%&#)_(*%^ Ohio utilities companies. Somehow today, in the aftermath of the ice storm, not only did I lose my almost completed Shequanti book three BUT my flash drive fried.


WAAAAAAA! Oh my freaking god, are you kidding me? I'm on DEADLINE and I lose the whole freaking book? What in the hell is going on around here? Have the gremlins invaded my study? Is God ranged against me? Should I go to confession and take communion? That would be an interesting afternoon.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been fourteen years since my last confession."

Yeah, that'll go over well. So will my profession, my divorce and remarriage, my views on abortion and women's rights, and my disdain for the Catholic society that drove my mother to fanaticism.

To continue with the confession...

"I don't know exactly why God is pissed at me, but I'm sure it has nothing to do with the erotica."

Uh huh. Better find a priest who doesn't know me for that one.

"Oh, and by the way--I was sad when Pope John Paul II died, but I dislike Benedict immensely."

Great. I see numerous Rosaries in my future--like thirty of them -- and that still won't bring back the story.

If you see me hanging around for the next two days, do yourself a favor. Don't talk to me. I'm pulling an all-nighter to get this darn story rewritten and submitted. It'll be completed by Friday if I have to channel John Holmes to get it done. And that's a promise.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My Valentine's Day Memories

So we don't do cards in my house. I have never seen the need to enhance Hallmark's financial status with inadequate poetry and tritisms scrawled on animated card stock. Instead, we make cards for each other.

Don't misunderstand me. These cards aren't pretty. They're usually done on torn-off squares of legal pads or printer paper and drawn with ink pen. Usually they have stick figures on them. And usually they are irreverently funny.

Yep. We make fun of each other. For example, this year my Valentine has a stick figure of a teenager at a computer in the bottom right hand corner on every page with the caption *click click clickety click whatever click*. She was not amused. I laughed until I cried.

It's been a good way to keep track of events that happen around here every day. Numerous little contretemps have been immortalized in our cards---fights with random co-workers years ago that now mean nothing, cats and kittens with habits, milestones, fights, make ups, back surgery----all remembered on little stacks of papers.

Last year, I went through my mother's papers after she died. I found all sorts of things among them, but most interesting to me were the cards. Even as a kid, I made cards for holidays.

She kept them. Kept them all.

I think I will too. I appreciate the sentiments (smartass as they are) of reality, and not some cardboard, mass-produced, obligatory cliche.'

Happy Valentine's Day. Click click clickety click whatever click.

Monday, February 12, 2007



At last, my moment of glory has arrived! Today a winter storm begins that promises to drop between 6 and 10 inches of snow on Ohio! That means....


Tee hee.

Last year, I started the anatomically correct snowmen to annoy the very condescending Pentecostal minister across the street. Since then, I've moved.

But guess what?


I'm four houses down from a BAPTIST CHURCH!

Oh the joy! Oh the rapture! Now I get to offend more than just a mere family! I get to piss off an entire CONGEGRATION! The only thing that could POSSIBLY be more fun to me would be if Hillary Clinton lost her voice--permanent laryngitis would be cause for celebration.

All of my tools are ready to go, including red food coloring to enhance that oh-so-cute human flesh tone. Although the rest of the family is clamoring for a gigantic bird in the front yard (not the animal but the gesture) I'm still holding out for very cold nudity.

And the greatest benefit of this? In the middle of the storm, the snow is supposed to change to ICE. ROFLMAO! That will keep my artistic endeavors solidly in the Christian eye for a loooooooooooong time.

Life is good. I think I'll go bake some brownies.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

How To Find Inspiration

After all of my pontificating as of late about the fine art of writing (yes, pontificating is my word du jour) I find myself in the unenviable situation of desperately seeking inspiration. I've been sick the past few days with a nasty cold (thanks a lot you stupid groundhog) and haven't even opened up my laptop since the weekend.

Until today.

At which point, I found myself staring blankly at a half-finished chapter thinking, "Now, how in the hell am I going to finish THIS?"

Apparently the gears of the machine are a little rusty. Now I have to figure out what type of oil to apply to get things running smoothly again. Once upon a time, I would have just switched projects. Usually moving from one story to another enables me to jar the muse off her corncob ( and NO I won't say where that corncob is) and my creativity starts to flow again. Today, for some reason, that isn't working. Therefore, I find myself following my own advice and blogging to see if anything starts to work.

The problems I face in different types of fiction are completely different. It's not uncommon for me to insert a sort of stream-of-consciousness scene into a stagnant story just to see where the characters take me. This works fairly well for mainstream fantasy work--and occasionally I even leave the scene in. That sort of soul-searching is a very human trait, and one that I beleive has a place in fiction. The downside of that tendency can be found in writing erotica novellas.

Anyone who reads my erotica knows that my novellas are actually a complete book--intended to be read consecutively with no break in the action. Anyone in my writing crit group can tell you that I don't write *short.* Keeping to 30k is a chore for me. As a matter of fact, book three of the Shequanti is starting to look like a book three and a book four if I don't rein it in. The problem I'm running into is a plot snag that JUST....WON'T......RESOLVE.....


I see one way to resolve it--but that would definitely MAKE a fourth book necessary. It is obviously very easy for me to write myself into a corner. This time I may have written myself down the hall.


Oh, well. Back to the grind. If you ever wondered why this blog is called "Elf Killing and other Hobbies" now you know the answer.

Darn those Elves anyway.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Never Trust A Rat

Groundhog day. Great tradition-one that's manned by the lyingest rodent ever to walk the face of the planet. Spring's right around the corner, eh? How far away IS that corner, hmmm????

Let's see. On the fifth of January it was 62 degrees and sunny here. Today it's 5 degrees with snow, 25 mph winds, and a will chill of 15 below.

Thanks for the help, Phil. You're a prince.

Normally I like winter. I like the aspect of winter when it's 32 degrees and snowing--BUT it's the kind of snow that melts on the road and just makes everything look pretty. But sub-zero temperatures? *shudders in horror*

If I wanted that kind of weather, I'd live in Canada.

The only good thing about this weekend? The Super Bowl--and I DON'T have to work! I'm excited! I actually get to watch a football game while sitting down? *faints* I'm not sure how I'll handle that! As long as Indianapolis wins, I'll be in a good mood. It's not that I have anything against Chicago, but Indy....well, Peyton Manning is my boy!

It is nice that we have two teams in the Super Bowl this year that aren't there every other year. Maybe now all of the nay-sayers can shut up about Peyton being a *choke* quarterback. He made it to the big game. If Indy wins, then he'll have the ring. It's a given that he's going into the Hall of Fame. Maybe it's time to give him his due.

There's my daily ramble. Excuse me while I toss a couple more logs on the fire and plot ways to stew a groundhog. Stay warm!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

What Kind of Moron Do you Have To Be?????

All I have to say to start off this post is : Jesus H. Christ.

This from the Associated Press:
BOSTON - Several illuminated electronic devices planted at bridges and other spots in Boston threw a scare into the city Wednesday in what turned out to be a publicity campaign for a late-night cable cartoon. Most if not all of the devices depict a character giving the finger.

How freaking stupid do you have to be?? Seriously, folks, let's look at this logically. In this day and age, in the UNITED STATES, how could this publicity ploy have possibly gone through as many hands as it did without someone saying, "Er, excuse me....isn't this illegal?"

Again from the Associated Press:
It said the devices have been in place for two to three weeks in 10 cities: Boston; New York; Los Angeles; Chicago; Atlanta; Seattle; Portland, Ore.; Austin, Texas; San Francisco; and Philadelphia.

And this didn't raise any red flags? TEN cities? There are apparently 24 more of these devices that have NOT been found in Boston alone. Let's do the math, just to figure up criminal penalties. (What a FUN pastime when tallying up moron points) Each device is worth 20 years in the pen for planting the device PLUS 5 more for inciting panic. Okay---240 devices times That's 6000 years' worth of criminal penalties. SIX THOUSAND years in prison. Jeffrey Dahmer didn't get that much. On top of that, let's add in the punitive damages for the taxpayers' money utilized to mobilize hundreds of first responders for a HOAX. Hmmm.....Boston says half a million.

At this moment, one guy has been arrested--the guy who planted the devices. Whoa--hold on a second: the PEON gets arrested? Granted, he should have known better too, but what about the REAL perpetrators? What about Interference, Inc. -- the marketing firm who developed this bone-headed publicity campaign? What about Turner Broadcasting, the corporate megasaur who okayed this really freaking STUPID publicity campaign? Somewhere along the line the "executives" who put their Ivy League educations to good use and thought this would be funny and effective should pay the price. What about the animators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force who quite evidently collaborated with this idiocy? What portion of the responsibility is theirs?

Think of it this way: how much turmoil was caused in Boston today by these events? What if the closing of I-93 caused someone to die en route to the hosiptal as a result of an unforeseen detour? How many fires, assaults, robberies, health emergencies were put on hold so that the departments involved in the "bomb" scare could work to insure the safety of the citizens of Boston? What is the toll in human life, or property, or even in personal comfort?

It's impossible to gauge it.

Here's the way I look at it. As of today, I don't EVER need to watch anything on a Turner owned channel. EVER. It's a pity, because I LIKE Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network. However, if Turner Broadcasting is so ignorant, so misguided, so secure in its smug self-worth as to endanger the lives of American citizens in order to promote a movie then they do NOT require my support in any way, shape or form. Aqua Teen Hunger Force was never a show that I cared much for, but now I will never have to watch it again. It's on the Cartoon Network and, well, I won't be watching that channel any more. Interference, Inc. should immediately shut its doors. Period. The Boston city government, the state of Massachussetts, and the federal government should prosecute EVERY SINGLE PERSON INVOLVED WITH THIS PUBLICITY STUNT to the fullest extent of the law...all the way up to Ted Turner. Period. After all, again from the Associated Press,
Turner did not notify officials of the publicity campaign until around 5 p.m., nearly four hours after the first calls came in about the devices, she and others said.

Send them all to prison for a long, long, time.

On a scarier note--let me get this straight. These devices were in TEN cities? For 2-3 weeks? And we're only NOW learning about them?

Scary, man, scary.

That's the best we could do? Well, thank the gods for small favors. At least these "Packages" were a stupid-ass publicity ploy set by corporate dorks as opposed to real terrorist activity. Every terrorist in the world's ears perked up today.

I hope they're not the only ones who learned a painful lesson today.