Friday, June 22, 2007

The World's Most Obnoxious Wake--or Rock Lobsters to Night Music, a Dissertation on the Weirdness of Death

One of the benefits (okay, the only one) to tending bar for fun and profit is drunk people who think they're clever. I had a girl (use the term loosely) come into the bar last night and try to impress me with her intelligence.

Yeah, like that worked.

At any rate, she told us a story about how her dad had played a Nazareth song at his own wake. After I pointed out that this was probably impossible (since guitars rarely fit into coffins) I was overwhelmed with the desire to create the plans for the world's most obnoxious wake--mine.


So here we go. Consider these the orders for my final disposition (yes, I entertained scores of semi-functional alcoholics for hours with this, which included 'research' on the jukebox and the invention of a new shot called Celina's Wake) and remember accordingly. And DON'T get peeved about this post--this is entirely smartass and not meant to be taken seriously. I can't believe I have to put in a disclaimer for this.

The first song that will be played as my wake begins is "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." I will be in an open casket (hell yeah!) and had better be laid out (regardless of age or condition) in a black evening gown and ruby slippers. Think of it as vampire meets Dorothy.

Under no circumstances am I to be laid to rest in Kansas.

The first part of the wake will be reserved for people who hate my guts. We assume that will be the lengthiest portion of the affair. Music: "Rock Lobster" by the B52s and "Albequerque" by Weird Al Yankovic in endless repetition. *grin* Oh just think of it! "Rock Lobster! screechscreechscreechscreechscreechscreech" Mwahahahaha. Won't the funeral director be pissed?

In lieu of flowers, please take a cat. No, we don't want donations, just please.....take a cat. And there will be NO food. They didn't like me; it's safe to say that I didn't like them either. Nyah.

The second part of the wake will be reserved for people that buy my books. We anticipate this to be the shortest portion of my funeral, musically accompanied by "Hello, I Love You" but the cover by the Cure, not the original by the Doors. Refreshments will be served--but alas! Only PB on Ritz crackers. If there were MORE of you guys maybe my estate could spring for bologna.

The third part of the wake is the barfly portion of the entertainment. Margaritas will be served. A friend of mine has agreed to set up a cocktail bar in front of my coffin, so that I can criticize from whatever afterlife I'm involved in. Music: "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" by David Allen Coe, "Girlfriend" by the Pussycat Dolls, at least one Journey song TBA, and darnstupidstinkingGodIhatethatsong "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet. This is my postmortem attempt at revenge upon the drunks who ALWAYS feel obligated to play these songs at 1 a.m.

The final part of the funeral is for everyone else. This is the part where everyone plays Twister, euchre, and drinks lot of wine from my private stash. The music you ask?


Show music. Think "Phantom of the Opera" with some "Assassins" thrown in for fun.

Feel bad for my family. They qualify for all four sections of the wake. "Rock Lobster" to "Music of the Night." sigh...................only in Celinaland.